Secret of the Sunrise

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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Guest on Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:33 am

I love this!! I love the way you wrote it too. You don't reveal too much yet, but you still reveal just enough that people are so intrigued they can't stop!! I think it's something we all can really relate to as well. I love it and keep writing!! It's definitely amazing!!
Oh and I didn't see any mistakes so...don't change anything!! Cool
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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:27 pm

Thanks for all your helpful comments! Very Happy I'll keep what you said in mind, Amy. Wink
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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Clareesa on Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:15 am

Kewl Megan!
That's really good! Very Happy
You really do have a talent for writing...(i've read a couple other things you wrote;) )

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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Amy I. on Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:33 pm

Yeah, I like the beginning too because it works. If it works, use it. But it might work even better if you start in the middle of the action. That's all I'm saying.
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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Crystal Rose C. on Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:24 pm

Rilly good! I'm not that much of a writer so I'll let the writers talk! So great work! I would love to read more! Very Happy
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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Anna P on Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:07 pm

Very good, I like all the description, very good. The story line is engaging and our characters are unique, in a good way. I like it that way. I like the way this begins, letting the readers know there is something mysterious ahead. This kind of thing catches my attention.
I can't wait to hear more.
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Re: Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Amy I. on Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:23 pm

Wow! That's really good! I'd like to read whatever else you have written so far!
Just a couple of comments...
1) you might want to start out with a bit more action. This scene does make me want to read the next chapter, but it does that by telling me little tid-bits that make me want to know the whole story. It might be better to have a scene that immediately grabs my attention and forces me to keep reading, from the first sentence on.
2) Usually it's better to not use phrases like "So and so explained" in stead of "so and so said". We use words like "stated" or "taunted" etc. as a substitute for "said" because it feels like we're using the same word over and over. In reality, "said" is an invisible word, whereas "explained"...well, isn't. Usually, the reader knows that someone is explaining or exclaiming or contradicting or whatever because of whatever the character is saying, so we don't like to be told. So I would suggest sticking with "said" or adding an action tag instead, such as "so and so cracked his knuckles" etc.
By the way, I'm basically repeating things my dad has said before about other people's (and my own) writing. Very Happy

Anyway, I hope this helps!
~Amy
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Secret of the Sunrise

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 23, 2008 8:36 pm

Okay--this is the first section (kind of like a prologue) of the first chapter of my book (the first in my [hopefully] trilogy). Hope I didn't confuse you with too many firsts! Oh, and this is virtually unedited, so any comments/criticism will be welcome. Smile

~The Blessing of Boldness~

“If nothing else thy heart believes,
Sweet love, know this—mine beats for thee!
A glance, a breath, a word, a kiss—
Can life be paltry ever, if—

With an impatient sigh Margara slammed the book shut. Ishmil looked up curiously. “Why did you stop?” he asked.

“It was just too foolish,” Margara explained, laying the book on the table beside her. “And I’m not in the mood tonight for love poetry—if you can call that poetry.”

“I agree,” came a voice from the corner where Andonis was moodily plucking a lily to pieces. “Tell us something exciting, Ishmil.”

They were in the room that adjoined the great hall of Aule Gena. Small and intimate, it was a welcome respite from the cold beauty and haughty majesty that characterized the rest of the castle. On rainy evenings the three friends often retreated there, sometimes to read aloud and tell stories, and other times simply to rest and enjoy each other’s company. Life in the great city of Aulanse was consistently unpredictable.

“Right now I’m too tired to do anything but rest,” Ishmil answered. “Besides, I can’t tell stories. Margara could, if she wanted to.”

“What would I tell?” asked Margara, a hint of bitterness in her voice. “How Andonis managed to trick me into coming here when he knew I didn’t want to? Or how this morning there was a new shade of gray in the sky—the most interesting thing I’ve seen all day?”

“Ishmil certainly has plenty to do,” Andonis said, stung by Margara’s words. “Why don’t you help him with his work?”

“I would gladly choose absolute boredom over that kind of excitement,” Margara said. “Oh, I’m just so tired of it all! I wish right now I was dancing with Gwenetha or losing an argument with Stépan or doing any of the things I took for granted at home.”

“I think all of us would rather be in Versantia now,” Ishmil said kindly. “But have you forgotten that we have a mission here? And every day we are closer to accomplishing it.”

“That’s what you told us a month ago,” said Andonis under his breath. Ishmil’s quick ear caught the words.

“And I should know! After all, I am nine years older than you—and ten years older than Margara. What is it they say about age traveling hand-in-hand with wisdom?”

“It doesn’t always,” Margara murmured, but she smiled in spite of herself.

“If it’s not such a sensitive subject, I would like to hear how Andonis convinced you to come,” Ishmil said to Margara. “It might be useful to know in case I ever have to do anything similar.”

“I hope not,” Margara said, glancing across the room at Andonis. He wasn’t listening, but she lowered her voice. “It was classic Andonis—charm and optimism and clever reasoning. He said he didn’t really care whether I went or not, but I could tell he did, and he made countless promises he knew he couldn’t keep. He didn’t know what this would be like any more than I did, and I believed him.” At a change of expression in Ishmil’s face, she added quickly, “I’m just complaining. I’m tired, I think. And I did catch a glimpse of blue sky today.”

Ishmil’s smile answered hers, and they both fell silent. Margara’s eyes were troubled as they bent again over the book of poetry. In less than five months her life had changed so much. She would give anything now to walk through the peaceful Versantia forests with the warm sun on her face and the gentle breeze in her hair. It had not been hard for Andonis to convince her to leave, but this adventure was proving to be all too different from what she had expected...and hoped for.
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