Okay, it doesn't have a title

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Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Amy I. on Sun Sep 28, 2008 1:09 pm

This is a story I wrote for the same contest. If you have any comments, please post them.


Flash tapped a hole in a small, speckled egg and sucked out the inside. His younger brother, Coal, sat down next to Flash, yawning.
“Let’s go fishing today, Flash. My new pole –“
A fist pounded on the door.
Coal yelled, dropping his egg. Flash’s father slid off his stool, holding a paw to his lips.
The fist thudded again on the door.
“Come on, open up!” grunted a harsh voice.
Flash’s father reached for the bread knife. His mother shook her wooden spoon.
Something slammed into the door. It shuddered.
Flash snatched up his wooden stool and gripped it by two legs.
There was another loud crash, and the door splintered.
Coal grabbed a bird’s egg and hefted it in his paw.
With a crash, the door burst open. Two enormous bears lumbered into the cave. They caught sight of Flash’s family and roared with laughter. One by one, they seized the foxes and bound them tightly.

Flash leaned heavily on his axe, breathing hard. The gray fox working beside him watched Flash sympathetically.
“You all right, Flash?”
“I…yes. Just –“
There was a loud crack as a tree fell. nearby A scream rang out through the forest.
Still clutching his axe, Flash ran toward a knot of foxes grouped about the fallen tree.
“Get back to your posts!” shouted a bear, fingering his whip.
“But the tree! It fell on a fox and –“
The whip sailed through the air. The foxes scattered. Flash stood rooted to the spot. A fox lay, trapped beneath the trunk of the tree.
“Help…me!” he gasped.
Flash grasped the tree’s bark and heaved. It didn’t budge.
“You! Back to work!” The bear swung his whip again. It landed hard on Flash’s back. Pain stabbed through him. Flash closed his eyes and strained at the log. It lifted an inch. The trapped fox wriggled out and stood slowly.
“You insolent little brat!” The bear roared.
Flash dodged the whip, gripping his axe. The bear dropped his whip and leapt at Flash, snarling.
Flash swung his axe wildly.
The bear jumped back. His claws tore at Flash’s foreleg. Dizzying pain shot through him. Flash stumbled and fell to the ground. The other fox hauled Flash to his feet.
“Run!”
They tore through the woods, two bears close behind. Flash led the way, winding through the trees. Flash dropped suddenly to the ground.
“Stop,” he whispered. The two foxes crawled behind a tree. The bears galloped past.
“Where do we go now?” the fox panted.
“There’s an old mine somewhere west of here…”
“That’s a long way. Are you sure –“
“Yes. It’s the only chance we’ve got.”

“We made it!” The fox collapsed at the entrance to the mine.
“We’ve got to go further in. Just in case.” Flash picked cautiously through the debris littering the ground.
“If we get lost…”
“Don’t worry. It’s blocked up part way in.” Flash finally stopped behind a pile of boulders. He lay down and began licking his sore foreleg. The other fox glanced nervously at the high walls.
“Rather creepy, don’t you think?”
Flash laughed. “This, my friend, is our new home. By the way, my name’s Flash.”
“I’m Flint.”

“Flash, this is Cinder.”
Flint stood at the entrance to the mine. Behind him was a large, dark-furred fox.
“Cinder ran away just like us a few days ago. I met him in the woods while foraging and he’d like to stay with us.”
Cinder was the first of many to join Flash and Flint. Every few days, more foxes arrived.

Flash, Cinder, Flint, and a fox named Smoke sat deep inside the cave, their heads close together.
“Flash, we’re going to have to send out another foraging party tomorrow morning. This last bunch didn’t bring back near enough,” said Flint.
“And we’ve got to be careful. I was just talking to Ash and he says a bear saw him.” Cinder chewed a blade of grass.
“Why did he go near enough to be seen?” Flash was annoyed. He had warned them to stay away from the village.
“He didn’t! They were up by Moss Pond and there were about three bears just hanging around.”
Smoke fidgeted with a small rock. “That’s bad. Flash, I think…I think they know about us. They’re looking for us.”
“We’ve got to be really careful. From now on, we’ll send out foraging parties only at night,” said Flash.
Cinder picked a grass fiber from between his teeth. “That’ll cut down our food even more. I hate to say it, but…there’s too many of us here.”
Flint shook his head. “So what are we going to do? We can’t just start turning them away and –“
“No. Cinder’s right. It’s time for us to move on. We can’t stay here. If the bears are looking for us, it's only a matter of time before they find us.”
“Look, Flash. We can’t just lead thirty foxes out of here without knowing where we’re going. At least here we’ve got shelter, and we know the area and all that.”
Flash stared at his front paws. Flint was right. It could be weeks before they found somewhere to settle, and before then, the bears might have discovered them.
“Then I’ll go. I’ll go and find a good place to build a new village. Then I’ll come back for everyone.”
“I’ll come with you,” said Flint.
“Me too.”
“So will I,” Smoke said.
Flash laid his paw on Smoke’s shoulder. “No, Smoke. You need to stay here. The foxes will need you.”

They left the next evening as soon as it was dark. They pressed on until they were well away from the bears’ territory. Tall, dry fields stretched to the horizon. A solitary mountain northeast of them attracted their attention. They entered an old pine forest at the foot of the mountain two days later.
“This is perfect!” said Flint.
“Excuse me. What’s this place called?” Flash asked a passing ferret.
“It’s called Fire Mountain.”
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Clareesa on Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:34 am

Cool Amy! Good job! Smile Cool

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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Sonia J. on Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:09 am

thats really cool amy! Squiggle I like it! lol!
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Foster G on Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:50 pm

it reminded me of a seiries called Redwall, exept for the fact that flash didn't get mentioned of having a weapon, this could be the beginning of another book of redwall.
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Amy I. on Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:53 pm

Yeah, I've read Redwall. I liked the series for a while, but I got tired of the same plot over and over. I'm kind of trying to write as un-redwally as I can.
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Foster G on Sun Nov 02, 2008 6:44 pm

same here, anna P. says that a good author can write 12 books before they lose their touch, I think the first five got dry.

there's not enough story for me to tell you if it's a redwall remake though study
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Amy I. on Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:08 am

Yeah, after awhile you're just reading the same basic plot lines.

I think the Redwall guy sort of branded this genre (talking animal fantasy) as Redwall, so anything that has, as my sister puts it, "talking animals enslaving each other" everyone automatically thinks "REDWALL!"
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Re: Okay, it doesn't have a title

Post by Foster G on Mon Nov 03, 2008 4:06 pm

I read a seiries a long time ago with talking animals, they wern't enslaving each other, but I think it was written before redwall.
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