Chapter 3:Runaway

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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:18 pm

part 2 of chapter 3- Runaway

Leahcar started packing all the things she thought she would need- water, clothes, food- which she got from the kitchen, a knife, and anything else.
Soon she was walking through the hall ways avoiding guards and anyone who would be out at this time.
A couple times she came close to getting caught but managed to find a quick hiding place.
Finally she was out of the castle. She was walling in between houses and hiding in shadows. When she was almost to the gate she was surprised when she heard a voice behind her call out," Halt! Who goes there?" she whirled around seeing Gabriel. She knew it would be hard to get away from anyone but Gabriel was her best friend and even though he was technically lower than her he wouldn't just back off. Gabriel walked up to her noticing who it was he, as she thought, started asking questions," What are you doing out here so late Leah?"
Leahcar sighed trying to think of how she would answer this. Soon she thought she would just tell him the truth. She knew she could trust him and he would understand, hopefully.
"Gabriel, I'm leaving. I have been having these weird dreams with someone calling to me. I cannot sleep until I know why, and I won't find out why until I leave this place and search for answers." Gabriel looked down as if he couldn't handle looking at her and looked back up with a face full of understanding and sadness.
"If say you have to go, then go. I will not stop you." he took a breath and resumed," But you cannot go alone. I will go with you." Leahcar this would not be a good idea so she protested,” No, you cannot come. This is something I must do alone. Plus someone has to be here to tell my father not to worry, and that I'll be back soon. Please do not argue with me. I told you what I was doing so that you would not worry and you can tell my father." Leahcar turned around and with her back to Gabriel said," Good bye."
It would not have mattered if Gabriel protested because she would not have heard him. Leahcar went running strait for the gait, through it, and out into the unknown.
Men shouted to Leahcar but she ignored them.
Back at the Castle Gabriel was in shock. He stood there until one of the night guards came.
“Sir? Are you all right? Who just went through the gates?”
Gabriel seemed to wake up and replied,” Yes, I’m fine. That was the princes. We must tell the king. Go alert all the guards to keep and eye out for her.” “Yes sir.”, said the guard nodding his head and leaving to obey his orders. Gabriel just walked back slowly to the castle thinking about what had just happened.

Leahcar stopped to take a deep breath. She had been running at a steady pace for about an hour.
She knew she would need to find a shelter or make one soon but she did not want to have the risk of someone coming after her and finding her. So she decided to move on and if she found somewhere good to stay she would just stop and sleep the rest of the night out.

Leahcar went on and on and on not finding anything. When it started to rain she decided to just stop and dig herself against an big oak tree. She just broke down in tears while being pelted with what felt like rocks but was really the rain. Rocking herself and trying the get warm Leahcar soon fell asleep.
But what she didn’t know was that someone was watching her just a few feet away in the thick of the trees.

The next morning Leahcar woke to a bright and sunny day. The trees looked beautiful with the light reflecting off of all the rain drops that hadn’t dried. She grabbed her bag which was now soaked, and got some food.
She quickly ate some bread and meat then continued her journey through the unknown woods.

Traveling long and far Leahcar felt like she was going no where. He surroundings where always the same, trees.
She just went strait and hope for the best.
After 4 hours of walking, pain, and tiredness she found a beach.
She was very happy also to find the perfect place for the night. It was a stack of two big rocks with a fallen tree lain across it.
It was starting to get dark so she started a fire with her knife and a rock. She got very hungry so she had some dinner, which was the same thing as lunch.
After dinner she just laid down in her fort and fell asleep.
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:08 pm

Well thanx ya all!
I'll try and get back to more description.

Thanx so much for you help and pro opinion Anne....it's greatly apretiated.
Since this is my first time it's good for me to get the advice.

Rachael
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Anna P on Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:14 pm

Leahcar started(began) packing all the things she thought she would need(: )- water, clothers, food-(; ) which she got from the kitchen, a knife, and anything else.
Soon she was walking through the hallways(,) avoiding guards and anyone who would be out at this time. (what time? There should be guards everywhere, especially since her mother was just murdered. That and usually you can’t get in or out of a castle door without being seen, unless you know a secret back entrance.)
A coupld(couple of) times she cam(e) close to getting caught(,) but managed to find a qwkick(quick) hiding place.
Finnaly(Finally) she was out of the castle. She was walling inbetween houses and hiding in shadows(,). W(w)hen she was almost to the gate(,) she was supprised (to hear a voice behind her call out,)when she heard a voice behind her call out," Halt! Who goes there?"
(S)she wirled around seeing(to see) Gabriel. (description, how is he standing? Suspiously watching her?)She knew it would(wouldn’t? Or would?) be hard to get away from anyone(,) but Gabriel was her best friend and even though he was techinicaly lower than her(,) he wouldn't just back off.(leave her alone.)(No one would, princess or no she isn’t allowed to leave the gates unaccompanied, usually I mean, so anyone might report her. ) Gabriel walked up to her(,) noticing who it was(,) he, as she thought,(You don’t need the “as she thought” Just “he began asking questions.”) started asking questions," What are you doing out here so late Leah?"
Leahcar sighed(,) trying to think of how she would answer this. Soon she thought she would just tell him the truth. She knew she could trust him and he would understand, hopefully.
"Gabriel, I'm leaving. I have been havign(having) these weird dreams with someone calling to me. I cannot sleep untill(until) I know why, and I won't find out why untill(until) I leave this place and search for answers." Gabriel looked down as if he couldn't hanlde(handle) looking at her(,) and looked back up(looking back up, his face filled with understanding and sadness.) with a face full of understanding and sadness.
"If say you have to go, then go. I will not stop you.(,)" he took a breath and resumed, “(Don’t start sentences with “but,” its not good grammar.)But you cannot go alone. I will go with you."
Leahcar (knew)this would not be a good idea(,) so she protested,"No, you cannot come. This is something I must do alone. Plus someone has to be here to tell my father not to worry,(he will worry either way, no father wouldn’t. Not to mention he might be very, very angry with Gabriel for letting her go, alone.) and that I'll be back soon. Please do not argue with me. I told you what(where) I was doing so that you would not worry(,) and you can tell my father.(You said this same thing, basically, in the above sentence.)" Leahcar turned around(,) and with her back to Gabriel said, “Good bye."
It would not have mattered if Gabriel protested(,) because she would not have heard him. Leahcar went runing strait (straight) for the gait(gate),through it, and out(you don’t need “out”) into the unkown. (unknown)

Alright, first I must say that I liked the description of what she was taking with her, and the end with the whole “and into the unknown.” Very nice.
You don’t need to feel pressured to type up the story on the computer and get it to us the same day, take your time.
You seem to be edging back into very little description, maybe you could tell the readers her thoughts as she dodges guards and runs in between houses. Describe the shadows as they fall across her path, maybe one scares her because it looks like a guard. I don’t know, just a bit more of what’s going on around her.
Keep up the good work, I can’t wait to read more! 
Very Happy
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Crystal Rose C. on Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:44 am

Yeah good!
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Clareesa on Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:39 am

cool! Smile Cool

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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:15 pm

part 2 of chapter 3- Runaway

Leahcar started packing all the things she thought she would need- water, clothers, food- which she got from the kitchen, a knife, and anything else.
Soon she was walking through the hall ways avoiding guards and anyone who would be out at this time.
A coupld times she cam close to getting caught but managed to find a qwkick hiding place.
Finnaly she was out of the castle. She was walling inbetween houses and hiding in shadows. When she was almost to the gate she was supprised when she heard a voice behind her call out," Halt! Who goes there?" she wirled around seeing Gabriel. She knew it would be hard to get away from anyone but Gabriel was her best friend and even though he was techinicaly lower than her he wouldn't just back off. Gabriel walked up to her noticing who it was he, as she thought, started asking questions," What are you doing out here so late Leah?"
Leahcar sighed trying to think of how she would answer this. Soon she thought she would just tell him the truth. She knew she could trust him and he would understand, hopefully.
"Gabriel, I'm leaving. I have been havign these weird dreams with someone calling to me. I cannot sleep untill I know why, and I won't find out why untill I leave this place and search for answers." Gabriel looked down as if he couldn't hanlde looking at her and looked back up with a face full of understanding and sadness.
"If say you have to go, then go. I will not stop you." he took a breath and resumed," But you cannot go alone. I will go with you." Leahcar this would not be a good idea so she protested,"No, you cannot come. This is something I must do alone. Plus someone has to be here to tell my father not to worry, and that I'll be back soon. Please do not argue with me. I told you what I was doing so that you would not worry and you can tell my father." Leahcar turned around and with her back to Gabriel said," Good bye."
It would not have mattered if Gabriel protested because she would not have heard him. Leahcar went runing strait for the gait,through it, and out into the unkown.


Well thats all I have time to write for now. But I'll write more soon.
Hope you like it!!

~Rachael
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:19 pm

okay thanx!
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Anna P on Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:07 pm

Sounds good to me!
And its not too long, I know stories that are longer. Take the Count of Monte Cristo for example, 1462 pages long, if you read the unabridged. Its a good book by the way.
Anyway, as I said, your plot sounds good.
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:55 pm

hmm...well I think I would say something like this:
It's about a young girl and her life. She looses her mom and is having a hard time.
After having dreams and painful fealings she decides to run away.
When she does she meets a water elf name Clirly who helps Leahcar strengthen her realationship with God. Later on Leahcar meets a young girl about her age who is possed my a demon. SHe finds out that this is the girl who killed her mother but instead of killing her like she said she would before she forgives her and brings her to christ.
eventually Gabriel finds Leahcar and brings her back to the castle. In the end the king dies and Gabriel and Leahcar get married becoming king and queen of Nevaeh kingdom.

Yah...so thats really long but thats just what kinda came to mind. =P
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Anna P on Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:32 pm

Yes, you are doing much better, I think. Smile
No, you don't have to put what is calling her in this chapter, I just didn't know if the chapter was finished or not. Where you put the thing/person that is calling Leahcar in your story, is up to you.
What is the main plot of your story? I mean if you were to describe to someone what its about, what would you say?
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:07 pm

Clareesa J. wrote:Coolio!! I can't wait to read more!!! Smile
Thanx!
Thanx to u too Crystal! =D (I just didn't quote you)

Anyway...
Thanx for helping me along on this Anna!
Did I do better describing things?
Later on she finds out who was calling her in her dreams but it is not in in the same chapter...though I could make it in the same chapter. Would that be best?

Well gald you liked it. =D
~Rachael B
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Anna P on Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:38 pm

Chapter 2:Runaway
Leahcar turned around and saw her father standing next to the fountain just a few feet away.
“What are you doing out so late?” he said(asked,) slowly walking to Leahcars side. she looked at him with her tear filled eyes and said, “I couldn’t sleep. I tried but I can’t stop thinking about…well…about mother. I feel so empty.” Rehtaf knelt down next to his beloved daughter and hugged her. “ I am sad too. I miss her just as much as you miss her. But we must know that God has a plan and that he has everything under control.” Rehtaf hoped that his words would be a comfort(,) but Leahcar didn’t seem to really take them to heart. She pulled away from her father and said, “I cannot believe that! God has deserted me and I am alone in this world of darkness and death.” She ran back through the garden and halls back to her room closing the door behind her. (what about her father? He is with her.)

Back in the garden king Rehtaf stood up looking into the sky and said, “Give my daughter peace my Lord.”

Leahcar couldn’t sleep that night. She was having dreams of the night her mother died except these where worse. She could see her mother’s face, pale and yet full of joy. Leahcar sat up in bed wondering if her dreams meant anything. Other things started to become a thought like running away.
She thought about this for long but after about an hour she put that aside and decided to try and go back to sleep.

Suddenly something jumped at Leahcar and grabbed her!
Leahcar woke from a horrible dream that she thought must have meant something.
She was in the woods crying(,) when something beautiful was walking(not was walking, “walked” fits better.) down a path toward her(,) but then(you might want to take out the “then”) suddenly it changed to a horrible creature that Leahcar knew not what it was. (could not describe?)
She was scared but had(had does not fit) knew that it was just a dream. Again thoughts of running away came back and this time she didn’t push them away. She thought that maybe they could mean something(,) and maybe(prehaps) she was being called through her dreams into the woods or just to run away. (Who would be calling her?)
After much thinking she decided to runaway. Where she would go she knew not, but the question of if she was going to or not was decided. Leahcar was going to leave Navaeh Kingdom.

I know there is more to the chapter, but you don’t really give Leahcar much of a reason to run away. She has a father that loves her, a close friend that is good to her, and a warm home. Aside from a feeling and dreams, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for Leahcar to run away, to where she doesn’t know or what purpose. You might want to clarify at some point in the chapter.
I like the mysterious creature, I can’t wait to see why Leahcar had those dreams. 
Keep up the good work, I can’t wait to read more. 
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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Clareesa on Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 am

Coolio!! I can't wait to read more!!! Smile

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Re: Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by Crystal Rose C. on Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:20 pm

Verrrry nice! I cant wait to read more! Keep up the good work! Very Happy


Last edited by Crystal C. on Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:10 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chapter 3:Runaway

Post by RachaelB on Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:07 pm

I might not have the time to write the whole thing but here is atleast some of chapter 3 without any editing.
(excpet spell check)

Hope you like it. Tell me what you think!


Chapter 2:Runaway
Leahcar turned around and saw her father standing next to the fountain just a few feet away.
“What are you doing out so late?” he said slowly walking to Leahcars side. she looked at him with her tear filled eyes and said,” I couldn’t sleep. I tried but I can’t stop thinking about…well…about mother. I feel so empty.” Rehtaf knelt down next to his beloved daughter and hugged her. “ I am sad too. I miss her just as much as you miss her. But we must know that God has a plan and that he has everything under control.” Rehtaf hoped that his words would be a comfort but Leahcar didn’t seem to really take them to heart. She pulled away from her father and said,”I cannot believe that! God has deserted me and I am alone in this world of darkness and death.” She ran back through the garden and halls back to her room closing the door behind her.

Back in the garden king Rehtaf stood up looking into the sky and said, “Give my daughter peace my Lord.”

Leahcar couldn’t sleep that night. She was having dreams of the night her mother died except these where worse. She could see her mother’s face, pale and yet full of joy. Leahcar sat up in bed wondering if her dreams meant anything. Other things started to become a thought like running away.
She thought about this for long but after about an hour she put that aside and decided to try and go back to sleep.

Suddenly something jumped at Leahcar and grabbed her!
Leahcar woke from a horrible dream that she thought must have meant something.
She was in the woods crying when something beautiful was walking down a path toward her but then suddenly it changed to a horrible creature that Leahcar knew not what it was.
She was scared but had knew that it was just a dream. Again thoughts of running away came back and this time she didn’t push them away. She thought that maybe they could mean something and maybe she was being called through her dreams into the woods or just to run away.
After much thinking she decided to runaway. Where she would go she knew not, but the question of if she was going to or not was decided. Leahcar was going to leave Navaeh Kingdom.


And that is all for now. But I'll be writting the rest soon.
l8er
~Rachael B
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