chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Whitney B. on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:31 am

Rachel, it looks like your writing style is a little symiler to mine: emotional, sweet, dramatic, and a little cheesy. I tend to want to make everyone a mistreated puppy too soon. Here's a suggestion: take out the part where her vision goes black, and barely shorten where she doesn't feel good (it can make the reader uncomfortable). (Just something short, I wouldn't use pet names for children by their parents hardly at all.) It seems too quick that he Gabriel tries to make her forget, it would make the reader feel more sympathetic to the character if they walked in an awkward silence (meaning i would take out the thing about when they were little.)
I hope I'm not coming off as a critic, 'cause I really do like it a lot. But I'm going to be honest (you don't have to listen to me...): It came off like Gabriel was unintelligent when he asked her what was wrong, even though you said he already 'sorta' knew. And I wouldn't use phrases like 'he already sort of knew...' or 'he kinda had an idea that...' It would be much better to say something like 'part of him already knew that...' or 'in the back of his mind he knew that...'
It shouldn't be an odd thing that they him being there made her feel good, unless they're new aquaintances, or she doesn't know him very well. (That's how twelve-year-olds are.)
This may sound critical, but Gabriel shouldn't be in every scene, or constantly worried about her. And if you're going to make her get sick, you should actually go full out, tell what she feels, and she should be that way for a while, like maybe a few weeks (a chapter?) unless you just want it barely mentioned. And also, if you're not going to make it a real piece of the book, it would sound strange to put it it, unless something happens as a result of the sickness. (People don't really loose weight in three days. I've been run a high fever for over a week and hardly eaten anything. My mom said I'd barely lost even a tiny bit of weight. Sorry, just a fact. I think it would make a nice section of the book....later on when the story builds and you learn to love the character.)
I also like what you did about her concern for who killed her mother, but it seemed like the changed the subject too quickly. Maybe put it there, but make it neccisary that Gabriel talk about it right then.
You're doing great! That's all the suggestions I have for today.

(Take my advice. I'm not using it.) lol
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by RachaelB on Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:27 pm

I'll keep working on the desctription. I'm glad you like some of the things like The humor and such. Gabriel is Leahcar's best friend. I thought I said that but if I did I guess it wasn't very noticible. I'll be sure to add that if I didn't when I do the editing.
You are a TON of help! thanx. =D

~Rachael
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Anna P on Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:27 pm

Leahcar smiled at Gabriel and said, “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Gabriel smiled and then(you don’t need “then.” Unless you really want it.) laughed,” Yah(historical like times, they wouldn’t have said “Yeah/Yah.” It would have been “Yes” or “Aye.” Just so you know.) I don’t know what you would do either.”(Very nice touch, I like the humor you added there.) Leahcar giggled a little which made Gabriel feel better inside.

Leahcar and Gabriel arrived at the dining hall and, as her father requested, the food was warm and ready for her.
While Leahcar ate(,) Gabriel ran over(spoke of) their last battle with Sutan, their most disliked enemy.
“When they started to retreat we just let them go(,) not wanting any more of our men to die. We where also very tired and worn from the battle.”( “We did not pursue the enemy as they retreated, prefering to rest from our long day of battle. That and the king thought there had been enough blood shed that day.” You don’t have to say it that way, but do you see the difference in the sentences? As a note, not many men die on the side that is pursueing the fleeing enemy, seeing as the other people are runnign away, not fighting. So a few may, die, but its mostly a slaughter of the enemy’s left over soldiers.) said Gabriel. (Gabriel said, ending his tale.)Leahcar stopped eating for a second(moment fits better with the time period) and asked, “Do you think that they caused my mother’s death?”(space this, you need to let the reader know whos talking, if you have it like this: “I like this.” “I didn’t.” Instead of: “I liked this.”
“I didn’t.” It confuses the reader.) “I don’t know. Your father said he thought the attacker was a women. (H)he said that before the person or creature, whichever, left(,) they looked at him and smiled, then left.(you don’t need this to end the sentence, you already told us they left.) I do not think that Sutan has any women in his army but maybe there is someone we do not know of.”
(I moved this sentence down, because it doesn’t go with the above. So it should be a new paragraph.)(To who did it seem that she looked pale, this sentence is slightly odd to me, it confuses.)Suddenly it seemed that Leahcar was pale and some kind of shadow moved over her, something that no one could explain. (Rare, extremely rare, is the time when an author is called upon to start a sentence with “But.” My mother told me this years ago.)But she was like that for the rest of the day. She didn’t eat dinner nor slept. (Clashing sentence there, “She neither ate nor slept.”)

The next day she had a very high fever and tremors that no one(none.) could control. The doctors tried to calm her(,) but nothing seemed to help. Rehtaf worried very much for his daughter(,) and spent as much time as he could spare by her side along with Gabriel. (Who is Gabriel? Brother? Cousin? Distant relative? He must be important to have access to a Princesses chamber.)

After about(no about, it makes it seem as though you, the author, don’t really know yourself.) three days(,) Leahcar was up and feeling better. (But’s do not begin sentences. Try “Though.”)But she was stilled(still) week(weak) and tired from her loss of weight and energy from her illness. (Try this: “Though she still felt weak and tired from her loss of weight and energy, the sudden illness having left her not long before.
One night, just a couple(few days) days after her sickness, Leahcar walked out to the castle garden for the first time since the night with her mother.(for the first time since her mother’s death.) Leahcar bent down in front of the bench that they had sat on and said(whispered?) a prayer, “Dear God, if (Y)you are still there, why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t it been someone else? I feel as if (Y)you have left me alone in this wicked world to defend myself. I feel as if even now I am talking to no one.”
(S)suddenly(,) Leahcar heard a voice behind her say, “You are not alone my dear(dear one.).”

Ok, first, I must say this, description, description. You seem to have a very, very, good story going here, but so far, you have very little description. Gabriel is a vague character, we like him because he is very sweet and comforting to Leahcar, but who is he? And we like the father because he is caring.
Leahcar seems to be sweet, but we know little about her, aside from the obvious, she is a princess, her mother has just died and she is in great pain and we feel for her. But you could give your characters more life, so to speak, if you gave more description.
Example 1:
Gail sat near the water’s edge, Bale by her side. The two companions smiled and laughed at the small fish biting their submerged toes. Suddenly, without warning, Gail leapt to her feet and began running toward a nearby tree. Bale scrambled to his feet, close behind Gail, he watched as she climbed the tree.
Example 2:
“How do you feel?” Chris sat next to Chathrine, his eyes looking deep into her own, searching.
“Well enough bodily, but the pain inside my soul is agonizing. The loss of my eldest sister is one hard to bear, I have begun to think none can feel this pain.” Cathrine pulled her cloak close, trying in vain to keep the winter chill from her, and blinking away the oncoming tears.
Do you see what I mean? As a reader we want to know everything about the character can, what they are feeling when they speak. Their thoughts. Simply writing they did this, then this happened, then they said this, that person said that. There is nothing for us to go on.
I liked the bit of humor you added at the beginning, it also drew me to Gabriel, I like him.
I am very curious about the sickness of Leahcar and the murderer of her mother, you did a great job of drawing me to the story with that. Good job.
I can’t wait to read more, great job and keep it up.
Oh and space your lines by 1.5 if you know how, it makes the reading easier. My sister told me that when I wrote.
Very Happy cheers
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by RachaelB on Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:48 pm

Here is the all of chapter 2.
Rachael B

Chapter 2-Broken Hearts:

When Leahcar woke she was in her bed. Her father and Gabriel where sitting on her couch. When they saw you wake they both jumped up. She didn't feel very good and when she tried sitting up her vision went blurry. Her face was stiff from all the dried tears. When she tried standing up her father, King Rehtaf, and Gabriel cam to the side of her bed.
She could now see them. Gabriel was a tall strong boy at the age of 18. He had blond hair and green eyes. Next to him, on the right, King Rehtaf stood tall with and proud with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
Before Leahcar could think anymore about how she felt she remembered what had accured the night before.
Tears started to drip down her face and she sat back down on the edge of her bed.
Her father sat down next to her and wrapped her in his arms as she cried.

A few minutes later she stopped and took a deep breath.
Gabriel handed her a wash wrag to wash her face.
She stood up and realized that she was very hungry from all the crying and excitement from the night before.
"I need to eat. Do they still have breakfast out?" Rehtaf nodded yes," I told them to leave it out for you."
"Thanks dad. I'm going to change first so could you please excuse me?" "Of course. I'll talk to you later sweet heart."
, king Rehtaf left the room. Gabriel walked to the door but didn't leave,” Are you okay?" Leahcar looked down thinking about the question,” I think I am. Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" "I will meet you in the hall.", Gabriel left the room closing the door behind him.

Leahcar dressed into her red dress with gold and blue decorations, a blue cape, and some other little things like decorative vambraces. Last of all she put on her crown.

On her way to the diner (what did they call eating places back then?) Leahcar met up with Gabriel. They walked together talking about getting in trouble and such when they where little.
Leahcar knew Gabriel was trying to keep her mind off of her mother’s death but it wasn't working. She felt the urge
to cry but held it back. Gabriel eventually notices this and asked," What’s wrong?" he kind of knew already but it wouldn't hurt to ask. Maybe it would help her feel better. But Leahcar answered him, "I can't stop thinking about her.
I wonder if I told her I loved her enough for you to know. I feel like God deserted me or something."
"Well he didn't. But I understand." Gabriel gave her a big bear hug which in some odd way helped her feel better.

Leahcar smiled at Gabriel and said,” Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Gabriel smiled and then laughed,” Yah I don’t know what you would do either.” Leahcar giggled a little which made Gabriel feel better inside.

Leahcar and Gabriel arrived at the dining hall and, as her father requested, the food was warm and ready for her.
While Leahcar ate Gabriel ran over their last battle with Sutan, their most disliked enemy.
“When they started to retreat we just let them go not wanting any more of our men to die. We where also very tired and worn from the battle.” said Gabriel. Leahcar stopped eating for a second and asked,” Do you think that they caused my mother’s death?” “I don’t know. Your father said he thought the attacker was a women. he said that before the person or creature, whichever, left they looked at him and smiled, then left. I do not think that Sutan has any women in his army but maybe there is someone we do not know of.” Suddenly it seemed that Leahcar was pale and some kind of shadow moved over her, something that no one could explain. But she was like that for the rest of the day. She didn’t eat dinner nor slept.

The next day she had a very high fever and tremors that no one could control. The doctors tried to calm her but nothing seemed to help. Rehtaf worried very much for his daughter and spent as much time as he could spare by her side along with Gabriel.

After about three days Leahcar was up and feeling better. But she was stilled week and tired from her loss of weight and energy from her illness.
One night, just a couple days after her sickness, Leahcar walked out to the castle garden for the first time since the night with her mother. Leahcar bent down in front of the bench that they had sat on and said a prayer,” Dear God, if you are still there, why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t it been someone else? I feel as if you have left me alone in this wicked world to defend myself. I feel as if even now I am talking to no one.”
suddenly Leahcar heard a voice behind her say, “You are not alone my dear.”
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by RachaelB on Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:39 pm

Thanx so much Anna! I enjoy reading over yous verry helpful suggestions.
I'll start running my chapters through a spell check before I post them from now on...(if I remember) lol
I'll be posting the rest of the chapter sometime today hopefully so you can tell me what you think. =D (please)

Rachael
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by RachaelB on Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:33 pm

I did Rehtaf backwards because I wanted to use him as representing God kinda.
I like my name backwards so I thought I would do Leahcar. (Its Leahcar Clareesa sry.)

A lot of the name are actually spelt backwards. Like the place that Leacar lives in is called Nevaeh kingdom. Nevaeh is Heaven spelled backwards. lol
I just thought that would be fun. I was hopeing people wouldn't notice some of the spelling backwards but if you think thats cool then I don't mind. lol
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Anna P on Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:42 pm

When Leahcar woke(,) she was in her bed.(maybe, “she was lying in her soft bed.” Description.) Her father and Gabriel where sitting on her couch.(“Sat on her couch nearby, waiting for her to wake.) When they saw youwake they both jumped up.(“Seeing her wake, the two men leapt to their feet.” What do you think?) She didn't feal(feel) very good(,) and when she tried sitting up her vission(vision) went blury.(blurred, skip the went thing, if you want.) Her face was stiff from all the dried tears. When she tried standing up her father, King Rehtaf, and Gabriel cam to the side of her bed. (Feeling her face stiff with dried tears, Leacar attempted to stand, seeing as she did so, Gabriel and her father rush to her side.)
She could now see them. (she saw them before, when they sat.)Gabriel was a tall strong boy at the age of 18(eighteen). He had blond hair and green eyes. (From the way you write this, it seems like you are telling the readers Gabriel’s looks, you might want to be more subtle. Example: “Leacar smiled sadly into Gabriel’s green eyes as she sat once more, noting as she did so, his trimmed his blond hair. She felt small compared to her tall friend, but even smaller next to her father, who stood proud and tall beside her. His dark brown hair and blues adding regalness to his handsome features.” You don’t have to say that, but you get what I am saying.)Next to him, on the right, King Rehtaf stood tall with and proud with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
Before Leacar could think anymore about how she felt(,) she remembered what had accured the night before. Tears started to drip down her face and she sat back down on the edge of her bed.
Her father sat down next to her and wrapped her in his arms as she cried. (“Sitting quickly, King Rehtaf enveloped his beloved daughter in a warm and comforting embrace.”)

A few minutes later she stopped and took a deap breath. (“Several minutes passed beore Leacar stopped her tears to breath easily. Garbiel handed her a wet cloth to wipe away her tears with.)
Gabriel handed her a wash wrag to wash her face.
She stood up and relized that she was very hungry from all the crieng and excitment from the night before. (Hunger gnawing at her stomach, Leacar stood and stated,….)
"I need to eat. Do they still have breakfast out?" Rehtaf nodded yes," I told them to leave it out for you."
"Thanks dad. I'm gonna (if you plan on publishing this as an midievel tale, I would change out the “gonna” to “going to.” It would be more accurate.)change first so could you please excuse me?"
"Of course. I'll talk to you later sweet heart." King Rehtaf left the room. Gabriel walked to the door but didn't leave,"Are you okay?"
Leacar looked down(,) thinking about the question, "I think I am. Would you like to come with me to breakfast?"
"I will meet you in the hall." Gabriel left the room closing the door behind him. (emotion, smile, something to let the readers know if he really wants to go with her.)

Leacar dressed into(in, not into.) her red dress with gold and blue decorations, a blue cape, and some other little things like decorative vambraces.(with some small decorative vanbraces.) Last of all she put on her crown.

On her way to the diner (what did they call eating places back then?) (they called them dining halls I believe.) Leacat met up with Gabriel.(Make these two one sentence, “On her way to the dining hall, Leacar was joined by Gabriel.”) They walked together(,) talking about getting in trouble and such when they where litttle.
Leacar knew Gabriel was trying to keep her mind off of her mothers death(,) but it wasn't working. She felt the urge to cry but held it back. Gabriel eventually notices(noticed) this and asked,"Whats wrong?" he kinda(remember, this is an old tale, kinda doesn’t fit in the story. Try just saying something like “He already knew what troubled her, but asked anyway.”) knew already but it wouldn't hurt to ask. Maybe it would help her feal(feel) better.
But(You don’t need “but”.) Leacar answered him, "I can't stop thinking about her. I wonder if I told her I loved her enough for you(her) to know. I feal(feel) like God deserted me or something."
"Well he didn't. But I understand." Gabriel gave her a big bear hug(,) which(,) in some odd way helped her feal(feel) better.

You might want to start running your chapters through spell check, if your using Microsoft. It has helped me tons of times with my story’s, some of them would be pretty lame without it. Yours isn’t lame, by the way.
Your story does a good job of drawing the reader in and making them feel for Leacar.
One things I would encourage you to do most, is to add emotion to your characters as they talk. Instead of “She answered. He answered.” Maybe something along the lines of “Smiling sadly, she answred. Putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, he inquired.”
And from whose view point are you putting this, your writing style varies greatly from one paragraph to the next. One paragraph it seems as though you are telling the story, the next its from Leacar’s view. You must be consistent there. Trust me, I have had trouble with this many times, don’t think you’re the only one.
Good job on the chapter, I enjoyed it and can’t wait to read more!study You have great talent in the art of story telling.Keep it up!!
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Crystal Rose C. on Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:55 pm

Wow! I didn't notes that but now that you pointed that out! That is a cool way to do names!
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Anna P on Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:35 pm

I am still reading all of the 2nd chapter, but I did notice one thing, King Rehtaf, if you spell his name backwards, its Father. And Leacar/Leahcar, is Racheal backwards.
Very cool way to do names, I think anyway. Very Happy
What gave you the idea?
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Hannah B. on Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:41 pm

I really like it too. I really like her name. I'm really bad at making my own names. I dislike typing, but can't you copy and paste?
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by Clareesa on Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:13 pm

I like it! Very Happy But sometime you spell her name Leahcar and sometime Leacar. Which one is it? scratch

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chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

Post by RachaelB on Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:19 pm

Here is the chapter 2.
Hope you all like it. Again tell me what you think! k. =D

Rachael B

Chapter 2-Broken Hearts:

When Leahcar woke she was in her bed. Her father and Gabriel where sitting on her couch. When they saw you wake they both jumped up. She didn't feal very good and when she tried sitting up her vission went blury. Her face was stiff from all the dried tears. When she tried standing up her father, King Rehtaf, and Gabriel cam to the side of her bed.
She could now see them. Gabriel was a tall strong boy at the age of 18. He had blond hair and green eyes. Next to him, on the right, King Rehtaf stood tall with and proud with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
Before Leacar could think anymore about how she felt she remembered what had accured the night before.
Tears started to drip down her face and she sat back down on the edge of her bed.
Her father sat down next to her and wrapped her in his arms as she cried.

A few minutes later she stopped and took a deap breath.
Gabriel handed her a wash wrag to wash her face.
She stood up and relized that she was very hungry from all the crieng and excitment from the night before.
"I need to eat. Do they still have breakfast out?" Rehtaf nodded yes," I told them to leave it out for you."
"Thanks dad. I'm gonna change first so could you please excuse me?" "Of course. I'll talk to you later sweet heart."
,king Rehtaf left the room. Gabriel walked to the door but didn't leave,"Are you okay?" Leacar looked down thinking about the question,"I think I am. Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" "I will meet you in the hall.", Gabriel left the room closeing the door behind him.

Leacar dressed into her red dress with gold and blue decorations, a blue cape, and some other little things like decorative vambraces. Last of all she put on her crown.

On her way to the diner (what did they call eating places back then?) Leacat met up with Gabriel. They walked together talking about getting in trouble and such when they where litttle.
Leacar knew Gabriel was trying to keep her mind off of her mothers death but it wasn't working. She felt the urge
to cry but held it back. Gabriel eventually notices this and asked,"Whats wrong?" he kinda knew already but it wouldn't hurt to ask. Maybe it would help her feal better. But Leacar answered him, "I can't stop thinking about her.
I wonder if I told her I loved her enough for you to know. I feal like God deserted me or something."
"Well he didn't. But I understand." Gabriel gave her a big bear hug which in some odd way helped her feal better.



This is a kinda long chapter to type out so I'll write the rest later.
Just tell me what you think so far. k!

~Rachael B
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Re: chapter 2 "Broken Hearts" by Rachael Bryant

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