"A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by Whitney B. on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:03 am

This was great, Rachel! Two things:
1. This was a perfect attention grabber for a first chapter, but, in all honesty, it was terribly short. That's not a chapter, it was just like five paragraphs.
2. I excell in school, ace my cat test, but I have the spelling of a 7th grader. (the truth.) Don't feel bad! =P

Keep it up!!

Whitney
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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by RachaelB on Tue Aug 26, 2008 5:02 pm

thanks so much! Some of the things you said I tottaly agrea on!! =D I'll defenetly go back and add some more stuff. I still haven't really done a whole lot of editting but this helps me a lot!

~RachaelB
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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by Anna P on Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:37 pm

One night under the stars, a young 12(twelve) year old girl name Leacar and her mother, Queen Islizah, where sitting together in a bench in the castle garden. Islizah looked at her daughter only to remember that she wasn't a little girl sitting in her lap singing songs...she was looking at a grown girl with brownish blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. (You might want to delete the whole “looking at a” thing. You have already told us that she is looking at her daughter. To simply say “singing songs….she was a grown girl,” etc.)
Islizah starting(started) to get that fealing she was going to cry. (Why would she want to cry?)
"Do you know I love you?"
Leahcar turned and looked at her mother and smiled, "Yes I know mother."
Islizah sighed, "You have grown up so much. God has trully blesses your father and I."
"I don't know what I would do without you mom. God has blesses me." (You might want to clarify who is speaking and what they are feeling, or maybe what they are looking at.)

All lights where(were) starting to go out in Nevaeh Kingdom. It was now verry(very) dark except where the bright moon shone.

"It's late, we should go to bed." Said Islizah. (a smile, a sigh, some emotion would be good.)
Leacar and her mother walked off to bed untill(until) the next day God had planned for them.


Leacar jumped in her sleep. It was about an hour and a half after she had gone to bed.(This sentence doesn’t seem to belong in the paragraph) She woke to the sounds of yelling an(and) sreeming(screaming). Leacar threw on her robe and left the room. When she openned her door she was suprised to see all the maids and guards runing(running) through the halls toward her parents room.
Leacar did as they did.(followed maybe?) Pushing and shoving untill(until) she was about ten feet from the door and(when, instead of and might fit better.) peopl(people) started to notice her. When they did, they would bow their heads and not even glance again at her. (the last sentence didn’t fully make sense, read it out loud and see if you can see what I mean.)The women where crying and the men has frowns on their faces.

Leacar began to have trouble walking and she didn't know why.
When she arrived at the door her legs colapsed.(collapsed) She said a silent prayer,"God, God, God, whatever has happened please give me comfort!"
Leacar then(you don’t need “then”) felt a gentle hand touch her. She looked up and saw her best friend Gabriel.
He hugged her with his gentle, loving, caring, hug, as he always did; but this time there was sarrow in the way he did it. (sorrow in his touch?)
The last thing Leacar saw that night was her father hovering over some(an, instead of some.) moveless(motionless?) object and crying.
She then knew what had happend, her mother was dead.
She burried her head into Gabriel (his shoulder?)and just(you don’t need “just”) cried herself to sleep.

Your story line is very catching at the end there, it makes me want to read more.
I like the way you described Leacar’s mother watching her.
You might want to go back and put in a little more description, it will draw the reader into the picture you are trying to create with your words.
I like the part where you put Gabriel in there, it gives us a character to like along side Leacar.
I also enjoyed the names you gave our herione, different, but fun.
There are a few minor things, but that is totally normal for a first chapter. (trust me, I have gone back and rewritten parts of first chapters before)
I put all my comments in () perenthese.
You don't have to take my suggestions, they are just some thigns I noticed.
Great job, keep up the good work!
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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by RachaelB on Mon Aug 25, 2008 4:33 pm

cool! I'll post more maybe later. k!
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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by Crystal Rose C. on Sun Aug 24, 2008 9:14 pm

Yeah that is good! I want to read more! I cant wait to see the rest! And your spelling is not that bad! Mine is worst! LOL!!! lol!
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Re: "A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by Clareesa on Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:51 am

Coolio!! Cool I want to read more!!!

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"A Lifes Journey" by RachaelB Chapter 1

Post by RachaelB on Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:13 am

I wrote song to go with this book I am writting and when I told some people on here that it was made for a book they asked for the book....so here is what I have so far! I will write chapter 2 and maybe 3 if I have it finnished on Monday.
=D PLEASE tell me what you think so I can edit and such. Thanx!

~RachaelB

WARNING: I can write some preatty cheasy stuff sometimes and this is my first book. OH AND I have bad grammar and spelling. =D


Chapter 1
Last Night Together:

One night under the stars a young 12 year old girl name Leacar and her mother, Queen Islizah, where sitting together in a bench in the castle garden. Islizah looked at her daughter only to remember that she wasn't a little girl sitting in her lap singing songs...she was looking at a grown girl with brownish blond hair and beautiful blue eyes.
Islizah starting to get that fealing she was going to cry.
"Do you know I love you?"Leahcar turned and looked at her mother and smiled, "Yes I know mother." Islizah sighed, "You have grown up so much. God has trully blesses your father and I." "I don't know what I would do without you mom. God has blesses me."

All lights where starting to go out in Nevaeh Kingdom. It was now verry dark except where the bright moon shone.

"It's late, we should go to bed." Said Islizah.
Leacar and her mother walked off to bed untill the next day God had planned for them.


Leacar jumped in her sleep. It was about an hour and a half after she had gone to bed. She woke to the sounds of yelling an sreeming. Leacar threw on her robe and left the room. When she openned her door she was suprised to see all the maids and guards runing through the halls toward her parents room.
Leacar did as they did. Pushing and shoving untill she was about ten feet from the door and peopl started to notice her. When they did they would bow their heads and not even glance again at her. The women where crying and the men has frowns on their faces.

Leacar began to have trouble walking and she didn't know why.
When she arrived at the door her legs colapsed. She said a silent prayer,"God, God, God, whatever has happened please give me comfort!"
Leacar then felt a gentle hand touch her. She looked up and saw her best friend Gabriel.
He hugged her with his gentle, loving, caring, hug as he always did but this time there was sarrow in the way he did it.
The last thing Leacar saw that night was her father hovering over some moveless object and crying.
She then knew what had happend, her mother was dead.
She burried her head into Gabriel and just cried herself to sleep.
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RachaelB

Female Number of posts : 36
Age : 23
Location : Battle Ground, WA
Hobbies : reading, music, sports, singing....others! =D
Humor : LAUGH OUT LOUD!! =D
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Favorite Scripture Verse? : 1 Peter 3:3-4
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